How I Knew

A message from beyond the grave

 

Henry David Thoreau, who was an American author, poet, and philosopher once quoted "Go in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined".  

 

They say that when you're on the right path in life things will either fall into place, or in my case I strongly feel I was sent a message.  So let's rewind back to January of 2011.  I had recently made the risky decision to ditch working in corporate America where I was making good money, and receiving decent benefits.  Yes, call me crazy doing this at the age of 36, and feel free to consider me even more of an insane person because I bailed on the corporate world to pursue acting.  After ignoring my true dreams of becoming an actress for over fifteen years my heart finally made the sensible side of me give in.  Trust me, I had doubts and most people would consider my new path in life irresponsible and completely unrealistic. Somehow I just knew this was the direction I needed to go.  I found myself enrolled in college again after a 12 year hiatus, but this time as a theater major.  I'd been told all my life by numerous people that I missed my calling, and should have been an actress.  I thought I pretty much had it in the bag when I began my first theater class, boy was I wrong.

 

 

So now let's fast forward to March of 2011.  The semester was about halfway over, and man was I getting my butt kicked big time.  I found out pretty quickly that I didn't have the first clue about acting, and was sucking in every way possible.  I couldn't get anything right, and I felt like my professor really had it in for me.  I also had no idea how incredibly hard the craft of acting really is.  I was mentally exhausted after every class from always trying to retrain my brain.  It was a pretty humbling and trying experience.  Around this time I was ready to throw in the towel on acting, and scolded myself repeatedly for my preposterous decision, but I refused to give up.  Only the strong survive in Hollywood, and no one becomes a pro at anything right away.  I kept with it, and periodically applied for acting jobs on craigs list.  My perseverance finally paid off.  I ended up receiving a call while at work on a Friday night around 6:00 PM from one of the craigs lists postings I responded to.  A local production company was casting for a spoof reality show that profiled loss prevention workers.  They had chosen me to play a twice convicted prostitute that got busted for stealing condoms.   Yes, I know I was going to play a rather shady character, but heck we all have to start somewhere right?  Even better, they were filming in the town I live in.

 

So I get to the location which was an organic grocery store.  I was greeted by the very friendly cast and production clue, and was briefed a little on what my part entailed. My heart began to race with excitement, and I was a giddy as a school girl.  As the time came closer for my first scene insecurity began to set in, and I was so afraid I wouldn't be able to pull it off, but I did.  I was even complimented by one of the camera men for my tough trashy girl persona.  When we finished shooting my first scene I walked outside for a break.  I was on cloud nine.  Then suddenly I stopped dead in my tracks.  Right in front of me stood the funeral home that handled my fathers death back in 1995.  I guess it was a combination of not going to that side of town for many years, and being so wrapped up in my part that I didn't pay much attention to my surroundings.  A rush of painful memories that I had suppressed surrounding my fathers tragic passing all came rushing back to me.  I felt my knees buckling, my body going limp, and tears filling my eyes. I quickly turned around and walked the other way so no one would see how upset I was.  "Why?"  I shouted while hitting my fists against my thighs.  "This is sick and wrong that I'm playing a trashy hooker next to where I said my last goodbyes to my fathers deceased body!"

 

I immediately called my mother, and told her what was going on.  My mom is probably on of the most level headed people I know.  She was able to calm me down right away.  Of course she was very sympathetic to the fact I was filming in a very sensitive area, but assured me that my dad would've never wanted me blow an opportunity like this.  As soon as the phone call ended I realized she was right.  My father was one of the most unselfish people I had ever known, and would have scolded me for doing anything to blow this chance I had just been given.  I took a few deep breaths, got myself together, and as weird as this sounds I even laughed a little to myself about the irony of the whole situation.  Suddenly I had probably one of the most profound and epiphanies I've ever experienced.  My father had a very sick and twisted sense of humor, which of course was passed down to me.  As crazy as this sounds I knew at that very moment my dad had somehow found a way to communicate with me. It would be just like my father to get in touch with me in a funny way.  I looked up at the sky for a moment, and without a doubt I was convinced my father was telling me I was on the right path.  My dreams of getting into acting just sort of vanished when he passed away, but from this day on they were completely resurrected.  For the first time since I had made these recent and risky life changes I was whole heatedly confident that I was on the right path.  My father seemed to have gone out of his way to let me know in a very odd way, but I guess he figured this was the only way he could get his point across to me, and most importantly let me know he was still around watching over me.  As I still gazed up at the clouds I said out loud "thank you dad", returned back to the set, and nailed the rest of scenes I was in.

 

When you have acting and performing in your blood there is just no way to ignore it.  It's a very tough road being a struggling actor, and making ends meet.  However, for me it's all worth it when I go on stage or camera and I know that I'm entertaining others.  The art of acting itself is also a constant challenge no matter how much you study it, or how much experience you have, but giving up will never be an option for me.  

And besides, how could I let my father down?

 

It's now November of 2012.  I just finished up with my second college play, and I'm hopefully getting signed by an agent soon.  Yes, I'm exhausted working and being a full time student as well as working three side jobs to make end meet, but I know it will pay off one day.

 

Again, thank you dad.