User's Blogs

<p>  </p> <div> How I Knew</div> <div> A message from beyond the grave</div> <div>  </div> <div> Henry David Thoreau, who was an American author, poet, and philosopher once quoted "Go in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined".  </div> <div>  </div> <div> They say that when you're on the right path in life things will either fall into place, or in my case I strongly feel I was sent a message.  So let's rewind back to January of 2011.  I had recently made the risky decision to ditch working in corporate America where I was making good money, and receiving decent benefits.  Yes, call me crazy doing this at the age of 36, and feel free to consider me even more of an insane person because I bailed on the corporate world to pursue acting.  After ignoring my true dreams of becoming an actress for over fifteen years my heart finally made the sensible side of me give in.  Trust me, I had doubts and most people would consider my new path in life irresponsible and completely unrealistic. Somehow I just knew this was the direction I needed to go.  I found myself enrolled in college again after a 12 year hiatus, but this time as a theater major.  I'd been told all my life by numerous people that I missed my calling, and should have been an actress.  I thought I pretty much had it in the bag when I began my first theater class, boy was I wrong.</div> <div>  </div> <div>  </div> <div> So now let's fast forward to March of 2011.  The semester was about halfway over, and man was I getting my butt kicked big time.  I found out pretty quickly that I didn't have the first clue about acting, and was sucking in every way possible.  I couldn't get anything right, and I felt like my professor really had it in for me.  I also had no idea how incredibly hard the craft of acting really is.  I was mentally exhausted after every class from always trying to retrain my brain.  It was a pretty humbling and trying experience.  Around this time I was ready to throw in the towel on acting, and scolded myself repeatedly for my preposterous decision, but I refused to give up.  Only the strong survive in Hollywood, and no one becomes a pro at anything right away.  I kept with it, and periodically applied for acting jobs on craigs list.  My perseverance finally paid off.  I ended up receiving a call while at work on a Friday night around 6:00 PM from one of the craigs lists postings I responded to.  A local production company was casting for a spoof reality show that profiled loss prevention workers.  They had chosen me to play a twice convicted prostitute that got busted for stealing condoms.   Yes, I know I was going to play a rather shady character, but heck we all have to start somewhere right?  Even better, they were filming in the town I live in.</div> <div>  </div> <div> So I get to the location which was an organic grocery store.  I was greeted by the very friendly cast and production clue, and was briefed a little on what my part entailed. My heart began to race with excitement, and I was a giddy as a school girl.  As the time came closer for my first scene insecurity began to set in, and I was so afraid I wouldn't be able to pull it off, but I did.  I was even complimented by one of the camera men for my tough trashy girl persona.  When we finished shooting my first scene I walked outside for a break.  I was on cloud nine.  Then suddenly I stopped dead in my tracks.  Right in front of me stood the funeral home that handled my fathers death back in 1995.  I guess it was a combination of not going to that side of town for many years, and being so wrapped up in my part that I didn't pay much attention to my surroundings.  A rush of painful memories that I had suppressed surrounding my fathers tragic passing all came rushing back to me.  I felt my knees buckling, my body going limp, and tears filling my eyes. I quickly turned around and walked the other way so no one would see how upset I was.  "Why?"  I shouted while hitting my fists against my thighs.  "This is sick and wrong that I'm playing a trashy hooker next to where I said my last goodbyes to my fathers deceased body!"</div> <div>  </div> <div> I immediately called my mother, and told her what was going on.  My mom is probably on of the most level headed people I know.  She was able to calm me down right away.  Of course she was very sympathetic to the fact I was filming in a very sensitive area, but assured me that my dad would've never wanted me blow an opportunity like this.  As soon as the phone call ended I realized she was right.  My father was one of the most unselfish people I had ever known, and would have scolded me for doing anything to blow this chance I had just been given.  I took a few deep breaths, got myself together, and as weird as this sounds I even laughed a little to myself about the irony of the whole situation.  Suddenly I had probably one of the most profound and epiphanies I've ever experienced.  My father had a very sick and twisted sense of humor, which of course was passed down to me.  As crazy as this sounds I knew at that very moment my dad had somehow found a way to communicate with me. It would be just like my father to get in touch with me in a funny way.  I looked up at the sky for a moment, and without a doubt I was convinced my father was telling me I was on the right path.  My dreams of getting into acting just sort of vanished when he passed away, but from this day on they were completely resurrected.  For the first time since I had made these recent and risky life changes I was whole heatedly confident that I was on the right path.  My father seemed to have gone out of his way to let me know in a very odd way, but I guess he figured this was the only way he could get his point across to me, and most importantly let me know he was still around watching over me.  As I still gazed up at the clouds I said out loud "thank you dad", returned back to the set, and nailed the rest of scenes I was in.</div> <div>  </div> <div> When you have acting and performing in your blood there is just no way to ignore it.  It's a very tough road being a struggling actor, and making ends meet.  However, for me it's all worth it when I go on stage or camera and I know that I'm entertaining others.  The art of acting itself is also a constant challenge no matter how much you study it, or how much experience you have, but giving up will never be an option for me.  </div> <div> And besides, how could I let my father down?</div> <div>  </div> <div> It's now November of 2012.  I just finished up with my second college play, and I'm hopefully getting signed by an agent soon.  Yes, I'm exhausted working and being a full time student as well as working three side jobs to make end meet, but I know it will pay off one day.</div> <div>  </div> <div> Again, thank you dad.  </div>

<p>  </p> <p style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: medium; "> This was a blog I wrote back in March of 2008 after being blow away watching a new series at the time running on HBO called "In Treatment".  This particular scene was life changing for me, and caused me to do an about face on how I see dating, relationships, and marriage.  We can't judge anyone for who they fall for, and also have a clear understanding of this when playing any character.</p> <p style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: medium; ">  </p> <p style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: medium; ">  </p> <div> <p> HBO has struck again with another riveting series.  Over the years they have blessed us with shows, and documentaries that have impacted my life.  Just when I thought the golden age of HBO was ending with the season finale of "The Sopranos", a new show had been born to continue the rein.  This time the premium network cable channel has gone back to basics.  There are no special effects or fancy scenery; it is all about the acting. </p> <p> The series revolves around one main character, Paul who is a brilliant therapist.  His practice is run in very cozy and roomy office out of his home.  The series runs 5 nights a week.  The first four nights of each week we witness the sessions of 4 very complex characters that are Paul’s patients.  To make matters even more interesting there is a curve ball thrown in on the fifth night of each week.  We find that Paul is actually in therapy himself to try and fix his failing marriage, and to come to terms with his growing feelings towards Laura, one of his patients.</p> <p> Anyways, I never meant to sound like some wanna be critic writing this blog.  I will get down to the nitty gritty while this is all fresh in my mind.  My entire life I have always perceived psychologists as people who can stay out of unhealthy situations because they have the right tools mentally.  The ironic thing is that I see now that even the most mentally educated people are just as human as we are.  Up until I started watching this show I always felt that one stayed in the wrong circumstances such as a bad relationship, living situation, job, etc because they did not love themselves, and did not feel they deserved better in life.  As I began to grow older I started to believe that all of my bad relationships and flings were a result of my own insecurities.  While the majority of these experiences were probably a result of my own past self esteem issues I was recently taught from this show that there are other important factors involved.</p> <p> In last nights episode Paul was at his therapy appointment with his therapist, Gina.  Gina is a very close friend and colleague of Paul’s.  Both of them know a lot about each other, or so they think.  For awhile you watch Gina and Paul push each others buttons with psychotherapy Jedi minds games.  Paul intermittently lets his guard down, but becomes angry at Gina each time this happens because she has won at the game.  Each time this occurs Paul shuts off his vulnerability and finds a way to insult Gina.  Gina is tough as nails, or so we think.  For weeks you watch Paul’s insults towards Gina roll off her back like water.  As time went on you slowly see Gina breaking down.  Last night Paul finally pushed Gina too far in telling her how she broke one of her patient’s hearts to pieces.  Paul has assumed all of this time that she blew her only chance at happiness to obey the code of therapy ethics in never getting involved with a patient. </p> <p> Gina finally breaks.  Within seconds it is revealed that Gina is not the hard by the book emotionless person we thought she was.  You see Gina tear up and defend herself.  Gina explains to Paul that she was very fond of this male patient, and even "wanted to eat him up".  However, she was not in love with him.  You learn that Gina was actually married for a number of years.  Gina admits that her husband cheated on her many times, and made a fool out of her.  She even stayed with him until his death.  My first reaction was to judge her as a weak woman who didn’t love herself, as this how I felt about my past similar involvements.  Little did I know how far off base I was in my whole thought process.  Gina assures the audience that she is a very confident self loving person with simple dialect.  I am still left wondering why she tortured herself for years by staying with her husband.   After a few agonizing seconds of anticipation Gina tells us, "I loved the person I was around him".</p> </div> <div> <p> As quickly as the last few grains of sand drop through an hour glass my whole viewpoint on relationships and dating is forever changed.  I see it so clearly now.  I now understand why so many people close to me have chosen be terrible marriages and attachments. And more importantly, the missing puzzle piece to my past dating experiences has been has been found.  Ever since I watched this episode I have gone through my sorted dating timeline.  There were men that made me feel sexy as hell, guys who accepted me for all of my faults and even loved me for them, and fellows I could be myself to my entirety around.  I feel so lucky to have been introduced to this show.   I have such an inner piece now.   Because of this one particular plot line I can forgive myself for staying around too long in certain romantic situations.  I have come to realize that at times the euphoria certain men gave me out weighed their shortcomings in their overall treatment of me, but only temporarily.  As a long time number cruncher I always end up creating a "T-Account" of any situation I am pondering.  If the debit and credits, i.e. the good and bad traits do not balance out, or if the bad traits out number the good traits it results in me cutting my losses. </p> </div> <div> <p> Maybe it is a combination of my stubborn accounting background, and reading the book "He’s Just Not That into You."  Or perhaps it is simply because there has never been a man in my life that has been so extraordinary that I was willing to put up with his cheating or poor treatment.  All I know now is that I have to remember Gina’s situation could be the case with many of those close to me.  These individuals I speak of are my long term dear friends and family members.  They are of a different kind of love that is much simpler to grasp.  One thing I have always known about them is that their presence in my life is a gift from heaven.  Because I am so fortunate to have these people in my life I must never forget to support them if they are dealing with what I will now call a "Gina situation."</p> </div> <div>  </div>

<p> This was a story I began writing a few years back, but never finished.  My mother had an aunt by marriage who was one of the most dynamic individuals I have ever known.  Tragically her brother was killed in WWII, and his bedroom was always kept as a shrine.  I remember visiting my mothers aunt back in 1998, and seeing the room for the first time.  As soon as I began looking at all of his belongings I got chills.  It was as if I was picking up on unresolved sorrow her family never dealt with.  I also felt for a breif second that possibly that Marion's (my mothers aunts name) brothers spirit may have not passed on yet because he didn't feel his family could let him go.  This unfinished piece was inspired from these events.</p> <p>  </p> <p style="text-align: center; "> "Marion's Brother"</p> <p style="text-align: left; ">  </p> <div style="margin: 0px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-style: inherit; font-size: 11px; font-family: inherit; vertical-align: baseline; ">  </div> <div style="margin: 0px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-style: inherit; font-size: 11px; font-family: inherit; vertical-align: baseline; "> <br /> <div style="margin: 0px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-style: inherit; font-family: inherit; vertical-align: baseline; ">  </div> <div style="margin: 0px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-style: inherit; font-family: inherit; vertical-align: baseline; "> <div style="margin: 0px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-family: arial; vertical-align: baseline; color: rgb(38, 38, 38); line-height: 18px; "> "I need to speak with you as soon as possible".  I said to her.</div> <div style="margin: 0px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-family: arial; vertical-align: baseline; color: rgb(38, 38, 38); line-height: 18px; "> "We have a lot of preparation to do before tonight, can this wait?" She asked.</div> <div style="margin: 0px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-family: arial; vertical-align: baseline; color: rgb(38, 38, 38); line-height: 18px; "> "No, I'm afraid it can't, I have information that I must relay to you before your group begins this evening."</div> <div style="margin: 0px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-family: arial; vertical-align: baseline; color: rgb(38, 38, 38); line-height: 18px; "> "You, mean about the paranormal activty in your mothers aunts home?"</div> <div style="margin: 0px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-family: arial; vertical-align: baseline; color: rgb(38, 38, 38); line-height: 18px; "> "That is correct."</div> <div style="margin: 0px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-family: arial; vertical-align: baseline; color: rgb(38, 38, 38); line-height: 18px; "> "Be at the house as soon as you can Erin, I am getting into my car as soon as I hang up".  </div> <div style="margin: 0px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-family: arial; vertical-align: baseline; color: rgb(38, 38, 38); line-height: 18px; ">  </div> <div style="margin: 0px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-family: arial; vertical-align: baseline; color: rgb(38, 38, 38); line-height: 18px; "> As soon as the line went dead my body became paralyzed by fear.  I had told no one of my ghostly relationship.  Of course everyone close to me had thought I had gone around the bin, and for all I knew, I had too.  I was about to expose the one thing in my life that was pure, and belonged to me.  I was about to admit how selfish I had been in keeping a perfect man in limbo.  I couldn't go into Marion's home as I knew Evan would be there so I stayed in the car.  I would have to confess the events of the past few months to Sylvia outside the house.  As I waited for Sylvia I looked over at the for sale sign stuck in the grass in the front yard which now read "sold" on the top.  It almost looked like Evan's tomb stone.  I kept telling myself that I was doing this because truely loving someone sometimes means setting them free.  I heard the familiar sound of the diesel engine of Sylvia's mercedes.  I slid down in the seat of my car, and broke into a cold sweat.</div> <div style="margin: 0px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-family: arial; vertical-align: baseline; color: rgb(38, 38, 38); line-height: 18px; ">  </div> <div style="margin: 0px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-family: arial; vertical-align: baseline; color: rgb(38, 38, 38); line-height: 18px; "> Sylvia's vehicle pulled up behind me and parked.  As soon as she cut the engine, and got out of her car she walked towrds me.  As soon as she approached my car I rolled down the window.  "We can't talk in the house" I said.</div> <div style="margin: 0px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-family: arial; vertical-align: baseline; color: rgb(38, 38, 38); line-height: 18px; ">  </div> <div style="margin: 0px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-family: arial; vertical-align: baseline; color: rgb(38, 38, 38); line-height: 18px; "> "I know." she replied  "Why don't you get out and we will talk in my car".</div> <div style="margin: 0px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-family: arial; vertical-align: baseline; color: rgb(38, 38, 38); line-height: 18px; ">  </div> <div style="margin: 0px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-family: arial; vertical-align: baseline; color: rgb(38, 38, 38); line-height: 18px; "> I took a deep breathe, and slowly got out of the car.  Somehow Sylvia picked up on my energy, and helped me to the passenger seat of her automobile.  As soon as I was safely seated I put my head between my legs to combat the dizziness my lighthead had brought me.  "Take your time."  Sylvia said.  "Relax my child, you have done nothing wrong. I am hear to help you, I am a medium and taking care of these situations is what I was born to do."</div> <div style="margin: 0px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-family: arial; vertical-align: baseline; color: rgb(38, 38, 38); line-height: 18px; ">  </div> <div style="margin: 0px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-family: arial; vertical-align: baseline; color: rgb(38, 38, 38); line-height: 18px; "> I began to shake violently.  After tonight Evan was going to be gone.</div> <div style="margin: 0px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-family: arial; vertical-align: baseline; color: rgb(38, 38, 38); line-height: 18px; ">  </div> <div style="margin: 0px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-family: arial; vertical-align: baseline; color: rgb(38, 38, 38); line-height: 18px; "> "I I...." I could not get the words out, where did I begin?</div> <div style="margin: 0px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-family: arial; vertical-align: baseline; color: rgb(38, 38, 38); line-height: 18px; ">  </div> <div style="margin: 0px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-family: arial; vertical-align: baseline; color: rgb(38, 38, 38); line-height: 18px; ">  </div> <div style="margin: 0px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-family: arial; vertical-align: baseline; color: rgb(38, 38, 38); line-height: 18px; "> My shaky hand reached into my purse and pulled out the tatered picture of Evan that I found months ago.  I then gave the photo to Syliva.  "Yes" she said "This is the man I saw in the house during our survalence, it all makes sense now."</div> <div style="margin: 0px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-family: arial; vertical-align: baseline; color: rgb(38, 38, 38); line-height: 18px; ">  </div> <div style="margin: 0px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-family: arial; vertical-align: baseline; color: rgb(38, 38, 38); line-height: 18px; "> "What?" I asked.  What was she talking about?</div> <div style="margin: 0px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-family: arial; vertical-align: baseline; color: rgb(38, 38, 38); line-height: 18px; ">  </div> <div style="margin: 0px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-family: arial; vertical-align: baseline; color: rgb(38, 38, 38); line-height: 18px; "> "On almost every single cluster of EVP's we heard a man calling 'rin' we thought maybe it was a pet he once had, or some sort of game.  Now I know he was looking for you.  Your mother also mentioned in passing that you were often staying out most of the night since Marion's death.  This is where you come at night, isn't it?</div> <div style="margin: 0px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-family: arial; vertical-align: baseline; color: rgb(38, 38, 38); line-height: 18px; ">  </div> <div style="margin: 0px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-family: arial; vertical-align: baseline; color: rgb(38, 38, 38); line-height: 18px; "> "Yes". I whispered</div> <div style="margin: 0px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-family: arial; vertical-align: baseline; color: rgb(38, 38, 38); line-height: 18px; ">  </div> <div style="margin: 0px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-family: arial; vertical-align: baseline; color: rgb(38, 38, 38); line-height: 18px; "> "The energy that surrounds you is nothing like I have ever seen before.  You have spiritual abilities that are very strong."</div> <div style="margin: 0px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-family: arial; vertical-align: baseline; color: rgb(38, 38, 38); line-height: 18px; ">  </div> <div style="margin: 0px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-family: arial; vertical-align: baseline; color: rgb(38, 38, 38); line-height: 18px; "> "What the hell was she speaking of?" I asked myself.</div> <div style="margin: 0px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-family: arial; vertical-align: baseline; color: rgb(38, 38, 38); line-height: 18px; ">  </div> <div style="margin: 0px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-family: arial; vertical-align: baseline; color: rgb(38, 38, 38); line-height: 18px; "> I actually began to laugh.</div> <div style="margin: 0px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-family: arial; vertical-align: baseline; color: rgb(38, 38, 38); line-height: 18px; ">  </div> <div style="margin: 0px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-family: arial; vertical-align: baseline; color: rgb(38, 38, 38); line-height: 18px; "> "Don't do this to yourself" she cried.  "I am dying to go into more details of how special you truely are, but time is very crucial right now.  You must tell me everything about Evan."</div> <div style="margin: 0px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-family: arial; vertical-align: baseline; color: rgb(38, 38, 38); line-height: 18px; ">  </div> <div style="margin: 0px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-family: arial; vertical-align: baseline; color: rgb(38, 38, 38); line-height: 18px; "> I realized I never did tell her his name. </div> <div style="margin: 0px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-family: arial; vertical-align: baseline; color: rgb(38, 38, 38); line-height: 18px; ">  </div> <div style="margin: 0px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-family: arial; vertical-align: baseline; color: rgb(38, 38, 38); line-height: 18px; "> "I don't know where to start."  I cried.</div> <div style="margin: 0px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-family: arial; vertical-align: baseline; color: rgb(38, 38, 38); line-height: 18px; ">  </div> <div style="margin: 0px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-family: arial; vertical-align: baseline; color: rgb(38, 38, 38); line-height: 18px; "> "Begin from the time you first came accross the picture." she said quietly.</div> </div> </div> <p style="text-align: center; ">  </p>

<p> Wow, I've been on here (lazily) for like two years and didn't know I could have a blog! Well, I guess I'm starting one! I'm new to the business but have been researching it for years and finally feel like I know enough to get started. </p> <p> Before making this decision, I spent my time working hard and graduated high school early, and then promptly moved to Reno, NV to start college at UNR for a BS in neuroscience. I also have two published novels, Teenagers and Jailbirds, and the third is due out this summer. My goal is to combine all three of my loves (the brain, acting, and writing) into a career. I chose neuroscience over an acting degree because not only do I love studying the brain, but I feel it is a better choice in case I choose to become something else. And, since neuroscience and psychology are such similar degrees, I will get a superior understanding of human emotion and reaction and thus be able to break down and become characters better because I will understand them deeply.</p> <p> If you'd like to learn more about me and my other achievments, visit my website: http://www.stuffbysam.com</p>